These days my house has been seeing too much of me compared to how it hardly did earlier, so decided my ass was well rested, and it was high time I got it off the bed and sofa.
After I dropped my kid off at her reading class , I tell myself I can utilise the waiting time for a short walk, which I will inturn turn it into my stepping stone to long runs later on. They say you have to start from the bottom to reach heights , so here I was , all pumped up and ready to walk. The only thing that bothered me was i had laid many stepping stones earlier and just kept going back to square one. Anyway for now I was super excited and started my walk at a little more than a snails pace. When I say I started at this pace don’t get the wrong idea that I was going to increase the pace gradually, I didn’t. I just walked, enjoying every second, congratulating myself for taking this stepping stone for the millionth time. During the walk I tell myself, this is just the beginning, my next step is partial run and walk, then complete running, so on . I had huge plans in my head. I even worried about what I would do about my current wardrobe the moment my waist size turned 28. I had plans of giving it away, then I thought of the recent shopping I did, oh god, I panicked thinking I have to reinvest in my clothes, when a lady on a scooter suddenly interrupts my future plans and dreams ‘Mole, kaloor pokan ethu vazhi ponam!’ I thought , Sigh so much for size 28! ‘ Chechi , nere poyal Mathi!’ and I returned to my snail pace walk.
It’s a perfect Sunday morning and my stomach begins to grumble, thinking it’s hunger I had an early breakfast. Hours passed, ordered two chicken biriyani for me , my younger sister and my lil one. The chicken pieces being large, the quantity of rice was quite small , thus I opened the second and helped myself with little rice from that , on seeing which my lil one screams asking me not to eat too much. I want to laugh, yet I am angry, told her I just got lil rice from our packet therefore taking some from other. She looks away disapprovingly. Hours pass again. I am all cool. Night comes. I am having a deep sleep when I am suddenly woken up by this shot of pain in my tummy. I want to scream, reminds me of contractions in the labor room, except I didn’t people around me yelling. I call my elder sis who thankfully is on night duty, she asks me to take some medicine, realised it’s 3 am. Amma wakes up listening to me whine, atlast the pain kind of subsides , and I atlast get some sleep only to be woken up by pain again. I am crying in pain and explaining that my stomach is aching to my younger sister, not sure from where, but my daughter comes running, only to exclaim ‘ Njan paranjathale randu biriyani kazhikaruthenu’ ( Didn’t I tell you not to eat two packets of biriyani) . I am astonished, amused and annoyed and yes of course in pain. I want to laugh. I think I laughed throughout the pain.
(P.S. it was not the biriyani!)
Over my 30 years, I realised it’s not the expensive phone, or dresses, that actually makes you smile. It’s the littlest of things. Everytime I frown, my baby has a way of telling me ‘ Deshyam maatu’ , meaning remove your anger. The way she rubs her little podgy hands on my frowning forehead, somehow makes me smile even at the peak of my anger. Somehow you can’t help being thankful, of these littlest of things that makes you smile , sometimes even cry. 🙂 and you actually realise it’s these things that turns a memory than those big things you actually wish for.
I wake up everyday wondering whether i will have the energy to finish the day. I keep thinking I am tired, I am done. All I want to do is sit around do nothing. Small wail from my side, reminds me that is just an impossible dream. Motherhood calls.
I do my usual routine, cook, in between dress her up to school, I sit around few minutes to only realize my tea turned cold. I reheat it , I put the clothes in the wash machine, I step outside only to find annoying leaves infront of my house, remove them , water the plants. I realised I still hadn’t had my tea, I reheat it again, this time I stood by it until I finished it, not quite enjoying it, rather gulping it as a routine. I look at the time only to realise work calls. I rush. And I M already half dead.
Funny part is, I enjoy all this to the bits, it’s something what I want to do rather than take it as a responsibility. But I have to say I am tired. I want to stop multi tasking. I want to stop being a mother, sister, daughter, wife, friend. I want to be me, just me for a day least . And sadly world changes, my definition of being a woman to ‘Being mother, sister, daughter, wife’ before it identifies the individual I am.
Note: Please don’t term this as feminism!
So when I crib about the difficulty of motherhood, my mom always asked me why I decided to be a mother in the first place. And the reply I always had, was , ‘Noone told me how tough it is’. But the truth is no one ever will. There is no predefined list of things which every mother will go through, it’s different with everyone. You learn one new thing everyday everytime. And what my little one has taught me is patience. I always lost it, and took my wrath out on her. I knew I was being a bad mother, I knew I couldn’t handle it. This responsibility was beyond my reach. All I wanted to do was simply laze around and sleep. Nope that is the last thing you can ever think of being in this role . It’s going to be four years and additional 9 months in the Tummy of being a mother. And I learnt a hell lot in these years than in my rest 26 years.
All I know is sometimes it’s heaven, sometimes it’s hell, but in the end no matter how tired I am, when I have my lil one in my arms, I am the richest wealthiest woman.
There was a ten km run organised in our city for the launch of new phase of metro. I went along, no ..don’t misunderstand, I didn’t want to run, just wanted to witness how it’s done. I loved it, the feel , the vibes. I was amazed at the amount of people that turned up for run early in the morning. Such a spirited crowd, it was hard not feel spirited yourself.
I always looked out of inspiration as I felt I am really in need of it, I was always the depressed, negative soul. I rather sit in my couch , than be out on the road running.
So yes I look out for any positive sign. And this time I feel I should start with 5km . Thanks , my spark of inspiration for the slightest push and annoying advices.
For me it was never having an hour glass figure. For me it was about surviving the day without feeling dead. I have reached past the state were my belly fat took away my sleep. I have alas accepted me for me. And that my friend is the first step.
I never kept a regular routine. I ran when I could. I walked when I could. All I tried focussing was not to sit idle. If it was house chores, then I never pushed myself to anything else. So you could see, weight loss wasn’t my target.
I quit sugar though, I have kinda learnt to live without sugar in my tea, which for me is like over coming one of the biggest obstacles. I believe I have many more to overcome:
1. Being Punctual. I think I need to make this a practice, a way of life. I need to make it a point to do regular exercise , yes not to lose weight, but to gain endurance.
2. Kill my addiction to mobile phone. I feel it’s a highly useless device , making you feel you can get everything just on your fingertips. Sadly, it cant run for you or cook or do your other daily activities
3. Eat healthy. I have my usual cheat on the food. Had from KFC yest. But on the overall I am not a foodie anymore. There was a time , the smell of biryani made me hungry irrespective of my stomach being full. I loved eating. But this the point in your life where you feel. Eat to live and not live to eat.
Hopefully when I come back to write next time. I’ll have overcome or found a way to overcome these obstacles.
All through the life I have had people comment on my weight and size. I have had people telling me to lose weight, and once I did I have had them telling me to gain it. Down the lane I stopped caring until I got married and my better half refused to put on weight how much ever he ate.
Day by Day he looked younger and younger and me on the other hand , age started taking a toll on me. My face , my body started looking older and older. I somehow dragged myself through excuses, responsibilities. I always had some reason to not to spend that extra time on me.
Last month I turned 30. I went mad. I hadn’t done half the things on my checklist before 30. And I felt old. I felt like an old momma and I realised I have to do something about it.
I started walking in the morning. But then my husband used to travel and couldn’t leave my lil one at home alone. One day I did that thinking she won’t wake up so early, I came back to see her crying. So mistake no 1. Don’t leave your kids specially when they are younger than 4years. I was an amateur at that and an idiot. So now go for my walks after she leaves for school at 7:30am. But yes then again I found more reasons than ever, wasn’t regular in the walks. Atlast I decided I have to take control. I need to get out of this lethargic state. In turn brings me here…